If It Was Not Love,Then What Else Could It Have Been?

Loving someone from a distance

I have always told you that I loved you, but only for what I knew love to be at this stage of my life. I knew you valued the word ‘love’ so much that you’d only say it when you meant it. But I'd say it all the time, not worried whether you’d say it back to me or not. Reason being that I was and still am a hopeless romantic-One that is an overthinker, and one that yearns for love. Not just any type of love but the kind that you'd show and make me feel.

I'd think of anything that would give me an excuse to let you know how much you meant to me, how much you've helped me, and just how much of a blessing you are- not only in my life but also the people around you. The first time I ever gave myself fully to someone and took so many risks. The first time I didn't have to hide who I was just because I was not who other people wanted me to be.

I felt free yet trapped at the same time. It was never your fault but never mine too. I was still dealing with my lunacy rooted from the first time that I picked up a piece of glass from a broken window at school, waited for everyone to fall asleep in the hostel, darted into the bathroom and locked myself in the toilet. I slid down to the floor and cut right through the flesh of my left arm, while tears streamed down my cheeks. I think the first time I experienced self-harm was because of curiosity but also because I had so much wrath in me that I didn't know what to do with it. I couldn't fight with anyone; I couldn't yell nor be mean to anyone just because I had unresolved issues with myself. You never judged me for that. I conquered those nights because of you.

Although I never completely knew you, you definitely knew most of me. You knew anything and everything that I was, things that nobody else knew, things that I just couldn't hide from you. The nights that I'd call you uncontrollably sobbing-you'd always make time. The sound of your voice held the power of calming a soul like mine.

I couldn't get you out of my system, but I didn't fathom whether that was a good or bad thing. OfCourse, I didn't mind though because at that time, you were ‘my everything’. I just wanted you to stay, but now all the faith and hope that I used to have is slowly fading away. Just not my feelings. They're still here, with me but what should I do with them now?

Just because we don't talk as much as we used to doesn't mean that you don't cross my mind now and then.

It was not an infatuation; it was something so much stronger. I just don't have a name for it. If it was not love, then what else could it have been?